MY WRESTLING MATCH WITH GOD

My wrestling match with God began when I was about eight years old. There was a discussion in my household about whether or not soul existed and I knew that it did. There was my body and there was my soul, two entirely separate parts of me. I was the only one in my family who believed this.

ANGLICAN ROOTS
I began life as an Anglican. My brother and I were expected to get up early on Sunday mornings and walk to Sunday school a few blocks away, while my parents slept.

Those Sunday school pictures confused me. God was the father but we couldn’t see pictures of him, just his son. At least I think it was his son. There was this benign, bearded man in white or blue robes with kids sitting on his knee. Then Joseph and Mary got into the mix and I was totally confused.

In my early teens I began to be present and prompt for 7:30 morning communion. I liked the fasting and the early hour, just me and the God I was trying to get to know.

There was something completely wrong about sitting in eleven o’clock service, following the same structure; hymns that went on at least four monotonous verses too long (two verses is plenty) and then the minister got twenty minutes or an hour if he wanted, to lecture us. It was nuts and I never left refreshed or satisfied. I had hoped to leave fired up to be a better person or climb a higher mountain. Something.

When I had my own family I used to starch the hell out of the children’s clothes on Saturday and on Sunday morning I took them downstairs to Anglican Sunday School and me upstairs to church service. Hal would have nothing to do with all this and remained peacefully at home with a third cup of coffee and quiet time.

THEN A UNITARIAN
I did a 360’ turn when my eldest child was about ready for confirmation class and one Sunday I hustled all of us, including a bemused Hal to a Unitarian church and that’s when I began to find my way. In this particular setting, we didn’t pray or sing hymns and whoever did the talk for the morning had to be prepared for a rebuttal time following the meeting, or service. Rebuttal might be too combative a word, but we tried to bring in speakers with off center viewpoints and we had the opportunity to ask questions and try out ideas.

NEXT UP-ECKANKAR

When the kids grew up we drifted away and I began following a path called Eckankar, which is an invented religion, mostly based on East Indian beliefs. Every religion is invented but this one was more open about it. I learned to meditate and sing Hu’s and began to listen to this inner voice that had always been with me. I just didn’t know I could speak to it.

During my meditations, I often received messages of things that were to come and sometimes in conversation I would reply to a question before it was asked. I’m not that intense now so this rarely happens anymore.

I know I am soul having a human experience.

NOW I’M A NO-NAME

I’m not a member of any group now but sometimes I drop into a nearby Unitarian church and find energy from the membership.

My daughter-in law Diana (I kept her as mine after her divorce from my son) calls her personal inner voice, “Mr. Nobody,” and that says it very well. I use the word god with a small “g” and that works for me.

Honestly, I don’t think Jesus would be at all happy with the trappings people have embraced to follow his teachings. He was a fighter and probably hard to get along with and he is one of my heroes.

Despite that, I’m not a Christian. I don’t think they’ve got it right yet.

Prayer. If it gives you comfort, then go for it. When Hal was dying, some friends would say, “I’m praying for him,” and I wanted to ask—“what are you praying to happen?” A miraculous recovery? That his soul will go to the right place?” I politely asked people not to pray for him. He was on a personal non-stop journey of his own.

I’ve learned that if you are a curious and passionate person, you can’t simply embrace whatever is presented to you as a child. You have to be sure its right for you. You dig, seek, question, listen. It’s hard work and sometimes scary, because you will irritate people you care about and learn new things quite foreign to you. Eventually you find what’s right for you.

I will always love the Anglican Church but it just wasn’t enough. I’m really only telling you how I found my way. Another time I’ll tell you what I found.

My way is to go it alone. It’s my god path and I follow it, stumbling every once in a while, but my inner voice and I are at peace with what we are trying to be.